living my life..

...warning: this is a tad confusing and deep and a bit more about my heart than you may want to know. don't feel like you have to read it, only if you want to :)

MY life. Not the life of others. Not being so involved in others lives that my mind creates an imaginary situation imitating others misfortunes creating issues in our lives that weren't there in the first place. Does that make sense? My entire life I have been so firm of my belief in marriage, in love and long lasting relationships. I was never introduced to the pain and confusion and hurt that is divorce until this last year that my brother and dear friend went through just that. Being SO involved in their lives and caring for them through the hard situations that went with divorce shook my ideals and beliefs. I questioned if i really believed marriage was as wonderful, or if you really can have one true love, or if people, or I, will make it more than 5-10 years of marriage without it breaking. Is it possible today? Especially with all the shows and commercials making marriage look like prison and the most horrible thing that could happen to a person. The world making divorce look like is such an easy way out, that fighting for those vows you pledged in front of hundreds isn't worth it. That there is so much to look forward to after divorce, you are free, you don't have to cook and clean for anyone anymore, you can be independent and successful in business and sleep with whoever you like, never getting "tied down" again. These are the things I used to refuse to believe was possible, the things i swore would never happen to me or anyone I knew. The things I FOUGHT against in my mind. I never let it get to me - until this past year. The breaking of my loved ones marriage really rocked my brain. It's created a fear, doubt, lack of trust and a scared feeling in my heart (not their faults - i just care and worry extra amounts). I thought about it too much. I hurt for them so much. It was always in my mind - I went over it over and over...how could this happen? I can't believe it happened. My eyes opened and I was well aware of how many are divorced, the dishonesty in marriage, how much relationship problems are stressed on the tv through reality or sarcasm and how many singles think marriage is crazy because they are living the life!! So losing my confidence and my values in something i now HAVE myself is quite terrifying. My imagination has taken nothing situations and made them blow up into a horrifying life altering crises. So in REAL life when I see something that again IS in fact nothing with my husband I create an issue that wasn't one in the first place and end up crying and emotional and feeling bad at the end for not trusting. UGH. SO. What am I going to do to stop this silliness before I DO create a REAL problem? I need to give it up to Jesus, I need to read his word because this flame has only gotten bigger and I need to be rid of Satan. I am thinking about seeing a counselor - I'm wondering if i'm reacting this way because i was told of their situations long distance and I wonder if I just haven't had closure or asked enough questions. I am going to read love poems and try to watch less trash tv. I am going to read 1000 gifts - learning to be happy and content where I am RIGHT here and now. I am going to be secure, firm and concrete in my belief that marriage IS wonderful, love is AMAzing to have in your life especially when shared with the "one". I will not question it. I WILL trust my husband because HE chooses to kiss me goodbye before work when he thinks i'm asleep, HE chooses to tell me he loves me, HE orders me boots without me even trying them on, HE provides for me and loves to show me the world, my husband LOVES me and I will believe it because it is so. ahh i have only mainly told my dearest Ileta about my confusion and she saw it first hand - the girl head over heals and secure in her marriage - to im scared if something will happen to us unsure girl. I am going back to that secure girl and SHE knows I can do it and she supports me and is just such a dear friend. Please if you pray, please pray that the devil will stop screwing with my mind and just let me be the fun, joyful, confident and drama free woman that I like being. Soo appreciate it. (ps to those friends that went through the divorce that will read this - it's not your fault, i don't blame you - i love you heaps - I believe that the Lord will provide you with a man and woman who are Gods best for you someday soon and I can't wait for that day!!:))

a taste of heaven on earth....

....was having my parents here to visit in our new city, in our new home to show them our new life :) They got to see our home first and meet their grandkitties :) I took them to in and out for their first experience ever which ended up being a fabulous success. SO many fun conversations catching up about every little thing, laughing, dad's jokes and moms smile! We relaxed in the hot-tub, had delish meals and such peaceful walks on the coast of california filling our pockets with treasures. The four of us spent such a fun time at the zoo and in old town! Coronado and Sea Port Village was great and I LOVED playing games with mom and dad. Even though it was fun to be out of the house and tour the town, my favorite parts of their visit was just relaxing and talking and playing games. Things we would do normally if we were still in WA. Watching Anne of Green Gables with mom and dad, getting a back rub from mom, eating meals and talking about life, mom and I going for our very own coffee date while the boys went for breakfast, cooking while the boys watched football, playing yathzee and quiddler ya know?!, those things...those things we my favorite. If I could do that the whole time I would have :) Although I did enjoy getting out of the house. It was such a blessing to have them here. The last two days I struggled with my attitude as I was realizing they are leaving so soon and then it will be another three months before i see them again! I can't tell you how hard it is to let them in, enjoy life while they are here and then let them go - just like that - 5 days and poof!! people you spent 22 years under the same roof or a half hour away...and then they are going two states away, a 24hr drive, a 3hr flight and just wayyy TOO far away and too soon. UGH. Well, I have these photos to look at, and my parents will soon get skype again which will help, thank goodness I have my husband here with me :) He is my anchor (other than jesus.) I am grateful for the Lords provisions here and I am grateful we are now on the mainland! Until we meet again parentals....please enjoy these as they are MY favorite images of the time we spent together :)

 adoring chris :)

and now the kitties :) 

i LOVE this of them. ESP moms smile. thats a happy im with my daughter smile :) 

ah. we were told we have the same smile :) 

love.

 handsome

they are PRECious 

soo fun all at the zoo, the boys making jokes here and there :) 

 ah i think she is a vision.

and he a stud and MY HUSband :) 

the 4 of us :) papas sweet face. 

 dad with his son! 

yahtzee!!!

 

 romance.

papa in a distance. 

mama FILLEd with joy. 

 LOVE when they laugh together. they really are a great pair.

 love her so much it aches.

 ohhh my papa :)

together :)

i was repaying her for the back rub :)

 mom and my date to ocean beach :)

 love this candid, just conversing over pizza and fish tacos :)

the boardwalk before goodbyes..

i will rejoice

{Kapalua, Maui - Jan 2008}

every day seems to be a bit of a battle, although these past few days have gone pretty well. i'm struggling with home-sickness of Maui and Washington creating a depression of sorts. so every day i either beat it or fall in to the devils trap of sadness, self-pity, an un-content heart and all those other feelings that come with depression. chris has been my gem. we have had a good past few days making life much easier and joyful. he's been very sweet and thoughtful. the other night we started watching the 9/11 coverage together....just us two, quiet, snuggled up close. i occasionally had to look away, very hard to watch...and after a while I looked at Chris and saw a tear or two run down his cheek. i must say that is probably 1 of 2 or 3 times I've EVER seen him (can't really call it cry) tear up. his emotion was sweet and completely appropriate. and HELLLOOOO my parents are coming on THURSDAY!!!! which has had my spirits hight thinking of all the things we could do together and what i will make for them or share with them and what i need to clean before they come! hah, i also got an extra shift picked up :) ...the things that have made it hard (and they are all SUUper silly things) are all my crafts, baked goods and even dinners have botched lately. it's hard enough i don't have a degree, or a job that really does any good for anyone else, or that i'm not busy with photography where I do feel confident....I am making these things for others and completely messing them up in some form, ha. so thats a tad disheartening. then i call my siblings and they always seem to have to go and i never feel like i really get caught up. that is the hardest i believe...looking at facebook is like wind to the fire on these days when i see all my family members getting together or friends meeting for special occasions...the house is also still cluttered and just claustrophobic....and then i end up crying for however many hours. pretty silly, yes it is. i can't tell you how hard i try to put aside all those pathetic self pitying feelings and put on a joyful mood and just be the cheery me that many of you know. especially when family, friends and favorite get away spaces are not here and my photography is on pause and i don't have a car and feel trapped and very dependent. ugh hard. so when i came home from my shift tonight...i come home to a pig sty of a home....the dry groceries weren't put away, garbage was out and ah just wayyy intensely messy than usual so i started to instantly go in this down, anxious, frustrated mood and thought OK! i am going to blog, and THEN i will clean this house up!! ok - so this has helped!! (most of you are realizing the mess is due to Chris not helping...hah which is true - i want to blame, but he works WAY to much and brings in all the green and it is his day OFF so he gets a massive pass. so instead of yelling or being sarcastic to him which i wanted to do...hah. i am writing, breathing and about to go in there and ask him if he wants some cookies :))

ah and that is my heart. the nasty. the happy. the confused. thanks for the prayers, good vibes and love. when feeling the anger i was when i saw this messy place after a work shift i looked up verses on Joy. Psalm 118:24 - This is the day that the Lord has made; (I WILL) rejoice and be glad in it. i think Rejoice was the more appropriate word. in the good and the bad i WILL rejoice for the Lord gave me this and every day. 

Whew, a NEW week.

I don't know about anyone else but MAN am I glad it's a new week. Last week was CRAAAZy for me. My emotions were verging on psycho, hah. My lovely period was heavier than it's been in a long time, I kept forgetting to eat and had crazy amounts of coffee - making my work shifts very uncomfortable and I was totally off my game. I wasn't sleeping and my dreams have been horrible. We had a leak in our storage unit that created mold, making us throw away about 1/4 of our precious things worth plenty of green and more important - memories. We had to bring everything in the car and the house so it could dry up...of which I have been reacting to with scratchy throat and runny nose, plus it SMELLS. I missed everyone and felt aches of loneliness so much it HURt. I didn't feel like doing ANYthing....totally in a state of crazzzy. The best part of the week was receiving a care package from my mama and my husband surprising me with some DARLING boots for fall/winter ...also found out my brother in law Tyler found a nice place to move to, my in laws just moved to a place close to work and my eldest brother Peter just finished his first internship (so much closer to being a PT Doctor!):) HA! oh man. I don't know WHY or WHAT the heck was going on...but HELLOOO this is NOt going to be happenin this week!

So today I had a day off. I could have had a date with some co-workers..but I needed a ME day. I slept until 11 (not really sleeping...for some reason I am just not sleeping well lately.) I made a pot of coffee and started to deep clean the house at a slow pace. I ended up organizing lots and filled a bag for goodwill. I talked to my Bestie Ileta and was encouraged by my cousin Maghan by texts as I was still struggling today. They brought me out of my funk and I kept on organizing..Chris came home and I went to the market to get some yummmmo dinner, I made Seasoned Steak, Cooked Carrots, Rolls(bought), Wasabi Mashed Potatoes, and Gravy. It was FAB. Ah now it's just the old married couple, chillaxin at home waiting for yet another day to come along :) TOMorrow we will be putting all the junk back in the storage unit and I can continue to put finishing touches on our lil apartment. Chris' work still sucks, still bums him out....there is no change there....mine is still great..I have a possible shoot coming and I have one booked for oct. PRAYing for more...I'm stoaked about what I've been doing lately for fun, I want to practice more. I made a little something for my mama this week :) OK! So this week, I am going to work out, wake up early, clean and do projects (home/craft/cooking/baking or photography), work and be JOYful and positive, fill my days with "things to do or to try", take the bus to ocean beach by myself, write in my personal journal, buy the book "one thousand gifts" because I want to kick fears and negativity in the butt, prepare things to do with mom and dad when they visit...put my photo coupons EVERYWHERE, drive more and get comfortable :) I just want to be as BUSY as possible :) I think that will help. PRAY for motivation. UGH. I need that.

encouraging words from cousin Maghan referring to the book "One Thousand Gifts"..."I think that Satan wants us to believe the lie that something other than God can fulfill us, make us content. You know? Because you are married...it is the best! But not without work...right! I haven't read much of the book...but when I have read talks about how it's so so easy to question God when bad stuff happens. To question that what he has for you is the best thing...better than the plans we have. I do that all the time. But that we need to find joy...not in our circumstances but in Jesus. So hard but such a good lesson."

a little bit of everything....

oh life. it's been so crazy lately. Chris job situation. horrible. his boss met with him 2 months into working starting off with "i know it's not your fault but....." and told him all these things he didn't do that weren't under his control and these things that weren't communicated even though there would be no other way to deal with them than the way he was taking care of them.....and then "punishes him" by transferring him to a SLOW store 20 minutes from where we live for 6 months while that manager catches up for him "even though she doesn't think she will do any better". Chis is apparently supposed to be a mindreader here. He's had to say goodbye to his friends he just made, the commission that was helping debt and go to a slow, un-populated store for not doing anything wrong?! HELLOOO?!?! WHERE IS THERE SENSE IN THIS?! So like any man being kicked in the balls at his work his pride is hurt and he is really upset he's in trouble for something he didn't do and just dreading every day. It's HARD. to say the least. So since he is at a different store that far away - even though our car is fixed, I am now having to ride the bus to work every shift pretty much. On the plus side I get exercise and help the environment a bit by not driving more than we need to. I am suuuuper happy with my job, I am LOVing the girls and the time there - the days fly by. I LOVE the product. I LOVE that they make their concepts out of recycled material for the most part. I LOVE that there are soo many girls working that I get called often to cover shifts. This last week I worked 6 days. This week I am scheduled 5 days! WHAHOO! Thats a praise. It's still not more than 30 hours but it's getting close. Since Chris works farther and I have to take any shift I can get - we don't see each-other very much. this is hard. especially when a hate for life is there - poor hubbs. so lately I've been tested as a wife - I've failed some and done ok other times. Being understanding, listening, allowing the complaints, allowing the distancing, not nagging etc. It's been kinda a game of twister...we're not exactly in order. ha. It's yet another challenge for Chris and I, and we are doing ok. I think we hit the worst of it - and it's only getting better. So between trying to catch trolleys, busses, coming home at midnight, making dinners and lunches and breakfast, sleeping in, cleaning when i can, reading when i can - I have not been on here or doing my photo challenge as much as I would be :) I like it though. being busy. much better than sitting at home and on facebook all day - then blog, then watch drama and cry ha. oh and I've been making crafts and baking new things too. So. ha. Life is a whirlwind right now.....we are praying for Chris to get into Fashion Valley Mall again. We are praying his pay doesn't differ much so we can keep getting our debt down. I am praying for photo jobs and card sales. Money has also been a tense beautiful issue for us hah. oh man. but lately I feel the Lord totally providing. God is good -and we forget all too much. I have been reading about the famine in Africa and my heart aches for them. I think I am going to put up my cards on etsy - totally revamp the site - and have 25% of my profit go toward them. I can't wait to do this. Even when it's hard to pay the bills we somehow end up buying a coffee or spending money on things we don't need....i love that cards are something you give- and then the money will also be given to those in starvation - it's not much but every little bit helps. I have been reading lots still - I'm reading the mocking jay - of the hunger games - AMAZING books. I love it. - I will be done by this next sunday. Hopefully :) We have been MISSING maui. The people, the ocean the flowers - everything. Ah. Transitions. Here there are so many things though that remind me of Maui. Mainly the flowers :) Today I had off. I got to lay by the pool. Read. DRink coffee. Read in the pool. and I got FRIED. thats an understatement. but I LOVED it all. It was worth it. Ahh felt good to relax. 

{never a dull moment on public transportation - double glasses trying to read the tiny print on his orange pocket bible. LOVEit.}

 yesssssss

{birds of paradise}

My amazing cousin Kelsey and her dear husband Justin had their baby girl Coralee Ruth Martin on Friday August 19, 2011, weighing 7lbs, 13oz, 21in. She is PREcious. I cannot wait to meet this beauty. In december i will hold that precious one. Ah - it made me soo happy on Friday. I am soo happy and so proud of them. Hate that I'm not there - but It's something I'm getting used to. Can't wait to make my gifts for her. :) 

 {happy family of 3 :)}

My baby brother Michael Adelstein is the new up and coming tattoo artist at Old School Tattoo in Bellingham Washington. He did his first tat on August 12, 2011. and its AMAZING. He has been an apprentice for months now - and is finally going to be on payroll, soon! I am so proud and so happy for him. He LOVES it. I can't wait till he can do mine! in 2012 :) I'm going to wait a bit ha. 

 {the stud :)}

 {1st. :)}

{2nd- he's going to shade it next}

My second to oldest brother Caleb officially filed the papers for divorce on August 18, 2011 and in 92 days will be able to start fresh with his life. I've talked so much about him lately - ya'll know how I love him :) This stuff sucks. Point blank. I am hoping those days go by soo fast for him. Oh ya. He talked to the cousins about what happened. I am so proud. He is very brave. 

{bub and mama :)}

My eldest brother is going on dates!! He is not dating one girl but is meeting people he thinks he is interesting and getting to know them!!! AH his nose has been so much in the books for YEARS and finally sees the final award of all that work in the near future (a physical therapy doctor - owning his own company) and feels comfortable about starting a relationship now! Sad thing is he is soo aware with our brother and his friends divorce that he is suuper careful and marriage seems different now. I just can't wait till my boys will meet their loves someday - I have 4 more sisters to gain :) {brother in law's too!}. 

{I wanted an updated photo - he keeps getting more handsome.. :)}

My In-laws JUST had their 29th Wedding Anniversary and my father in law just had his birthday! So I made a little card for him :) We miss them and hope they visit in October like they said they might.

 HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD!

coming soon.............a bird mobile craft, friendship bracelet craft, continued photo project, cards for africa, happier life situations :) hope! and some new killer recipes :)

30 Day Photo Challenge: Day 6.

DAY 6: CHILDHOOD MEMORY

having tea or coffee when the day is hard, emotional or exhausting. normally had with a scone and with my mother. That will happen in a month although im pretty sure it will be on happier terms :) 

I logged on to facebook today to see my brother has filed his divorce papers. You may think that since i didn't know this before we must not be close. Quite the opposite although for some reason I don't and have to understand making it a status is his way of dealing with it. For me though it was a punch to the stomach reading it not knowing that it was today. Ah I CANT cry, I have to leave for work in 20 minutes and I don't have waterproof mascara on! Ok. I know it's not my marriage, it's not my business but I am his sister and her sister and I was her best friend. So yes. The end of this, of them is hard. Quite bittersweet, although for my brother I have to say quite sweet. His precious heart is in desperate need of healing as Avas is in desperate need of help and love and Jesus. The weirdest thing...Ava is in my dreams almost every night. I can't seem to get her out...I wonder if thats my hearts way of saying I need closure. I need to see her and talk to her rather than just go about my feelings on here. I have not talked to her since November, when I didn't even know the extent of their issues. Isn't that kinda weird? Anyway. It's going to take some getting used to - them not being them. 92 days and it's official and my brother can finally move on. Oh divorce, I never knew it could be so ugly. Especially how many people it effects, how it can cause other people to not trust their husbands or wives..It's of the devil. Marriage is hard people. I am blessed to have Chris but It's not a picnic. It's work! I wouldn't change it for the world but my little picture of what it was - the fantasy that I made it - It's just much more - hardship, commitment, trust, communication, total teamwork. I guess thats why Paul thinks we all should be single. ha. Oh man. My dearest brother, he will find a second love. I know he will get the best because of his faithfulness and his heart. Anyway - I've gone on long enough about this. Pray for him? As it seems to me that he is doing just fine moving on and being surrounded by friends I still know he hurts. Thanks friends and family and people I've never met but it feels as if we have a kinship. Have a beautiful Thursday :) 

A morning for me.

Just when I thought I was going to have a morning with my husband, out to breakfast, by the ocean and just us enjoying life before work....life happened and It ended up being a morning for me. He scheduled a hair appt in La Jolla - but I still came with him. I got a coffee and walked down to the La Jolla park by the ocean as he was gettin a new do. I wasn't in a hurry, just relaxed on the beautiful sunny day. I walked to the nearest unoccupied bench and just sat. Sitting alone on a bench, staring at the ocean...I'm joined by an elderly lady from Jersey with a feather coming out of her hat - who starts talking away about books, ethnicity, how I should never buy a house with a swimming pool, why it's important to know North South East West so you walk in the shade, the russians, old photos etc...she stood up three times, thinking she was going to continue her walk, nope...she sat right back down.:) I can't say I didn't like the company or the conversation, it made for quite an interesting morning, that turned out not to be lonely at all.

Cursed by being Blessed.

{ages ago - but this scene stayed constant for several gatherings...around the kitchen table, missing several!! but I think it's a darling photo :) I am the third from the front on the left...blond bangs.}

So I have this family. Big, wonderful, God-fearing, close, happy, loud family. 25 cousins on Moms side, not including my 3 brothers, 6 are married (not including Caleb and I soon to be just I), 3 have serious significant others, then three of those cousins have 6 kids between all of them (2 each), the Aunts are married to the Uncles, then there are all the life long friends or family friends that are always welcome at the gatherings that might as well be family. A Grandmother and Grandfather that are as busy as bees and still as wonderfully in love as they've always been. Then there is my 2 cousins on my dads side (one's due in 2 weeks and the other is pregnant and already has 2 kids) and my two Aunts and one Uncle. WHEW. Now I had 22 years of seeing them at LEAST every month for every holiday there is, Mothers and Fathers days, brunches, showers, weddings, special anniversaries, a funeral for Joseph Paul and Nanny, meetings about Seth's cancer and Dads cancer, surprise parties, cousin sleepovers, graduations, send-offs and welcome homes or even Aunt Mary coming over to my house when I heard Michael was in Jail...and well you get the point. For everything good and everything bad my family is there for one-another. It's a bit like the show brothers and sisters although WAY less fighting and a lot more laughter. Point is Family is Family. Ohana, Ohana means family, family means nobody gets left behind. 22 years of being loved BEYOND what I can ever imagine and LOVING all those people with all my heart (well the years are counting - hah up to 24.5 but you know what i'm saying?!) It's more true than marriage these days, isn't it, family. You can't divorce your family. You eventually always have to work things out, you are always connected, you're family. So lately I've been here away from family and it is so hard. I am CURsed by the fact that I have been SO blessed my whole life with the family i've been given. My heart aches for them. I DO want to clear something up - I am a sentimental person, I realize the preciousness of life, I care about people and love them. Thats just who I am. I am happy here in San Diego with my husband. We made a decision that was best for our family in this economy in the here and now and we are on the same page. We believe this is where God wants us to be right now, tomorrow who knows, but now, we are in the right place and we are content and find joy in that. I am happy. I will forever send out notes saying "I love you" and "I miss you" and it will genuinely come from the core of my heart and a tear might be shed, I want to clarify it doesn't mean I am unhappy with my life, my marriage or depressed. Some days are REALLY hard, because you see I've been cursed with an amazing family. Who wouldn't miss them?

It's becoming a bit more hurtful as of late though as I muster up these feelings of being forgotten or replaced, which is just silly I know but I can't help but feel I'm slowly falling out of the clan. It's hard because I know it's my fault for leaving too, but I don't see it as fault as I know it's what God had for Chris and I. UGh. Emotions, HAH! I called my mom the other day - and she was at a surprise party for Kierstin, a place I should have been. This time I didn't even get an email about it, a notification, a call....not like I could have come but I don't know, we used to be soo close. I would have liked to at least call her and say surprise! Happy Birthday! (even though it was a belated party but still sweet.) A few days after that Mom met with the Aunts for another party. Cousins probably weren't even invited to this one. I see photos of my cousins who were MY clients and I should be there to be taking their yearly photos. I get the email about the cousin sleepover and it is yet another email that I have to reply to Aunt Mary that I regretfully cannot come. Then I was told about my cousin Megan's pregnancy weeks after she told everyone and I had no clue. Then theres all the things you learn on facebook - things people used to call you about first, but no - now you find out and get pits in your stomach or mad that you weren't given the decency of a phone call. Ah it's just really really hard. NOT being there. Long distance often times just Blows and not everyone is good with long distance...my family seems comfortable getting caught up as they see one another so often, It's hard for me to try and not get any responses...as I am not able to go to these functions any more. Ya know there's people who call, and people who wait to be called or are horrible at returning them? I am the person that calls (emails, facebooks) and holds the highest unfair expectations and just am tired about being let down. (my own fault trust me.) I do get lonely, and I do miss receiving the love and support. I still don't have friends out here, not ones i trust yet..what do I have to do to get someone to reach out to me? ahh. I totally get it though, you think about contacting those you can meet up to have coffee with, or bake with or go see a movie with...I really do understand every obnoxious aspect of long distance. I know that it's unfair for me to hold such high expectations of everyone, even of my husband, I know that God is the only one that will never let me down. I am learning - I am learning that even though I'm not called to do pictures, or called back or emailed back or able to attend any or all of these functions, that doesn't mean they don't love me or don't care. Man is it hard though. ha. so, there you have yet another moment from me, every time it's me on my day off, after watching drama shows, ending up in my room grieving something or someone in my life, crying as I write..pretty pathetic huh. You don't know the half of it. It's horribly pathetic and a whole dish of pity party. Through all of these thoughts and illusions and hurts and pains and happy thoughts may God still receive all the Glory.