Cursed by being Blessed.

{ages ago - but this scene stayed constant for several gatherings...around the kitchen table, missing several!! but I think it's a darling photo :) I am the third from the front on the left...blond bangs.}

So I have this family. Big, wonderful, God-fearing, close, happy, loud family. 25 cousins on Moms side, not including my 3 brothers, 6 are married (not including Caleb and I soon to be just I), 3 have serious significant others, then three of those cousins have 6 kids between all of them (2 each), the Aunts are married to the Uncles, then there are all the life long friends or family friends that are always welcome at the gatherings that might as well be family. A Grandmother and Grandfather that are as busy as bees and still as wonderfully in love as they've always been. Then there is my 2 cousins on my dads side (one's due in 2 weeks and the other is pregnant and already has 2 kids) and my two Aunts and one Uncle. WHEW. Now I had 22 years of seeing them at LEAST every month for every holiday there is, Mothers and Fathers days, brunches, showers, weddings, special anniversaries, a funeral for Joseph Paul and Nanny, meetings about Seth's cancer and Dads cancer, surprise parties, cousin sleepovers, graduations, send-offs and welcome homes or even Aunt Mary coming over to my house when I heard Michael was in Jail...and well you get the point. For everything good and everything bad my family is there for one-another. It's a bit like the show brothers and sisters although WAY less fighting and a lot more laughter. Point is Family is Family. Ohana, Ohana means family, family means nobody gets left behind. 22 years of being loved BEYOND what I can ever imagine and LOVING all those people with all my heart (well the years are counting - hah up to 24.5 but you know what i'm saying?!) It's more true than marriage these days, isn't it, family. You can't divorce your family. You eventually always have to work things out, you are always connected, you're family. So lately I've been here away from family and it is so hard. I am CURsed by the fact that I have been SO blessed my whole life with the family i've been given. My heart aches for them. I DO want to clear something up - I am a sentimental person, I realize the preciousness of life, I care about people and love them. Thats just who I am. I am happy here in San Diego with my husband. We made a decision that was best for our family in this economy in the here and now and we are on the same page. We believe this is where God wants us to be right now, tomorrow who knows, but now, we are in the right place and we are content and find joy in that. I am happy. I will forever send out notes saying "I love you" and "I miss you" and it will genuinely come from the core of my heart and a tear might be shed, I want to clarify it doesn't mean I am unhappy with my life, my marriage or depressed. Some days are REALLY hard, because you see I've been cursed with an amazing family. Who wouldn't miss them?

It's becoming a bit more hurtful as of late though as I muster up these feelings of being forgotten or replaced, which is just silly I know but I can't help but feel I'm slowly falling out of the clan. It's hard because I know it's my fault for leaving too, but I don't see it as fault as I know it's what God had for Chris and I. UGh. Emotions, HAH! I called my mom the other day - and she was at a surprise party for Kierstin, a place I should have been. This time I didn't even get an email about it, a notification, a call....not like I could have come but I don't know, we used to be soo close. I would have liked to at least call her and say surprise! Happy Birthday! (even though it was a belated party but still sweet.) A few days after that Mom met with the Aunts for another party. Cousins probably weren't even invited to this one. I see photos of my cousins who were MY clients and I should be there to be taking their yearly photos. I get the email about the cousin sleepover and it is yet another email that I have to reply to Aunt Mary that I regretfully cannot come. Then I was told about my cousin Megan's pregnancy weeks after she told everyone and I had no clue. Then theres all the things you learn on facebook - things people used to call you about first, but no - now you find out and get pits in your stomach or mad that you weren't given the decency of a phone call. Ah it's just really really hard. NOT being there. Long distance often times just Blows and not everyone is good with long distance...my family seems comfortable getting caught up as they see one another so often, It's hard for me to try and not get any responses...as I am not able to go to these functions any more. Ya know there's people who call, and people who wait to be called or are horrible at returning them? I am the person that calls (emails, facebooks) and holds the highest unfair expectations and just am tired about being let down. (my own fault trust me.) I do get lonely, and I do miss receiving the love and support. I still don't have friends out here, not ones i trust yet..what do I have to do to get someone to reach out to me? ahh. I totally get it though, you think about contacting those you can meet up to have coffee with, or bake with or go see a movie with...I really do understand every obnoxious aspect of long distance. I know that it's unfair for me to hold such high expectations of everyone, even of my husband, I know that God is the only one that will never let me down. I am learning - I am learning that even though I'm not called to do pictures, or called back or emailed back or able to attend any or all of these functions, that doesn't mean they don't love me or don't care. Man is it hard though. ha. so, there you have yet another moment from me, every time it's me on my day off, after watching drama shows, ending up in my room grieving something or someone in my life, crying as I write..pretty pathetic huh. You don't know the half of it. It's horribly pathetic and a whole dish of pity party. Through all of these thoughts and illusions and hurts and pains and happy thoughts may God still receive all the Glory.