living my life..

...warning: this is a tad confusing and deep and a bit more about my heart than you may want to know. don't feel like you have to read it, only if you want to :)

MY life. Not the life of others. Not being so involved in others lives that my mind creates an imaginary situation imitating others misfortunes creating issues in our lives that weren't there in the first place. Does that make sense? My entire life I have been so firm of my belief in marriage, in love and long lasting relationships. I was never introduced to the pain and confusion and hurt that is divorce until this last year that my brother and dear friend went through just that. Being SO involved in their lives and caring for them through the hard situations that went with divorce shook my ideals and beliefs. I questioned if i really believed marriage was as wonderful, or if you really can have one true love, or if people, or I, will make it more than 5-10 years of marriage without it breaking. Is it possible today? Especially with all the shows and commercials making marriage look like prison and the most horrible thing that could happen to a person. The world making divorce look like is such an easy way out, that fighting for those vows you pledged in front of hundreds isn't worth it. That there is so much to look forward to after divorce, you are free, you don't have to cook and clean for anyone anymore, you can be independent and successful in business and sleep with whoever you like, never getting "tied down" again. These are the things I used to refuse to believe was possible, the things i swore would never happen to me or anyone I knew. The things I FOUGHT against in my mind. I never let it get to me - until this past year. The breaking of my loved ones marriage really rocked my brain. It's created a fear, doubt, lack of trust and a scared feeling in my heart (not their faults - i just care and worry extra amounts). I thought about it too much. I hurt for them so much. It was always in my mind - I went over it over and over...how could this happen? I can't believe it happened. My eyes opened and I was well aware of how many are divorced, the dishonesty in marriage, how much relationship problems are stressed on the tv through reality or sarcasm and how many singles think marriage is crazy because they are living the life!! So losing my confidence and my values in something i now HAVE myself is quite terrifying. My imagination has taken nothing situations and made them blow up into a horrifying life altering crises. So in REAL life when I see something that again IS in fact nothing with my husband I create an issue that wasn't one in the first place and end up crying and emotional and feeling bad at the end for not trusting. UGH. SO. What am I going to do to stop this silliness before I DO create a REAL problem? I need to give it up to Jesus, I need to read his word because this flame has only gotten bigger and I need to be rid of Satan. I am thinking about seeing a counselor - I'm wondering if i'm reacting this way because i was told of their situations long distance and I wonder if I just haven't had closure or asked enough questions. I am going to read love poems and try to watch less trash tv. I am going to read 1000 gifts - learning to be happy and content where I am RIGHT here and now. I am going to be secure, firm and concrete in my belief that marriage IS wonderful, love is AMAzing to have in your life especially when shared with the "one". I will not question it. I WILL trust my husband because HE chooses to kiss me goodbye before work when he thinks i'm asleep, HE chooses to tell me he loves me, HE orders me boots without me even trying them on, HE provides for me and loves to show me the world, my husband LOVES me and I will believe it because it is so. ahh i have only mainly told my dearest Ileta about my confusion and she saw it first hand - the girl head over heals and secure in her marriage - to im scared if something will happen to us unsure girl. I am going back to that secure girl and SHE knows I can do it and she supports me and is just such a dear friend. Please if you pray, please pray that the devil will stop screwing with my mind and just let me be the fun, joyful, confident and drama free woman that I like being. Soo appreciate it. (ps to those friends that went through the divorce that will read this - it's not your fault, i don't blame you - i love you heaps - I believe that the Lord will provide you with a man and woman who are Gods best for you someday soon and I can't wait for that day!!:))