i will rejoice

{Kapalua, Maui - Jan 2008}

every day seems to be a bit of a battle, although these past few days have gone pretty well. i'm struggling with home-sickness of Maui and Washington creating a depression of sorts. so every day i either beat it or fall in to the devils trap of sadness, self-pity, an un-content heart and all those other feelings that come with depression. chris has been my gem. we have had a good past few days making life much easier and joyful. he's been very sweet and thoughtful. the other night we started watching the 9/11 coverage together....just us two, quiet, snuggled up close. i occasionally had to look away, very hard to watch...and after a while I looked at Chris and saw a tear or two run down his cheek. i must say that is probably 1 of 2 or 3 times I've EVER seen him (can't really call it cry) tear up. his emotion was sweet and completely appropriate. and HELLLOOOO my parents are coming on THURSDAY!!!! which has had my spirits hight thinking of all the things we could do together and what i will make for them or share with them and what i need to clean before they come! hah, i also got an extra shift picked up :) ...the things that have made it hard (and they are all SUUper silly things) are all my crafts, baked goods and even dinners have botched lately. it's hard enough i don't have a degree, or a job that really does any good for anyone else, or that i'm not busy with photography where I do feel confident....I am making these things for others and completely messing them up in some form, ha. so thats a tad disheartening. then i call my siblings and they always seem to have to go and i never feel like i really get caught up. that is the hardest i believe...looking at facebook is like wind to the fire on these days when i see all my family members getting together or friends meeting for special occasions...the house is also still cluttered and just claustrophobic....and then i end up crying for however many hours. pretty silly, yes it is. i can't tell you how hard i try to put aside all those pathetic self pitying feelings and put on a joyful mood and just be the cheery me that many of you know. especially when family, friends and favorite get away spaces are not here and my photography is on pause and i don't have a car and feel trapped and very dependent. ugh hard. so when i came home from my shift tonight...i come home to a pig sty of a home....the dry groceries weren't put away, garbage was out and ah just wayyy intensely messy than usual so i started to instantly go in this down, anxious, frustrated mood and thought OK! i am going to blog, and THEN i will clean this house up!! ok - so this has helped!! (most of you are realizing the mess is due to Chris not helping...hah which is true - i want to blame, but he works WAY to much and brings in all the green and it is his day OFF so he gets a massive pass. so instead of yelling or being sarcastic to him which i wanted to do...hah. i am writing, breathing and about to go in there and ask him if he wants some cookies :))

ah and that is my heart. the nasty. the happy. the confused. thanks for the prayers, good vibes and love. when feeling the anger i was when i saw this messy place after a work shift i looked up verses on Joy. Psalm 118:24 - This is the day that the Lord has made; (I WILL) rejoice and be glad in it. i think Rejoice was the more appropriate word. in the good and the bad i WILL rejoice for the Lord gave me this and every day.