October 25, 2003

{warning....intense life story from the heart....}

It was a sunny late afternoon and life was perfect. I was Varsity in Soccer - left mid - the only left footer on the team, Varsity #2 Singles in Tennis, getting almost a 4.0 GPA, in the Music Team at my church, the schools GO-TO Photographer as well as already having paid shoots for families and seniors, in year 7 of piano, I had a part-time job at Little Caesars and an internship with Samuel Gardner of Samuel Lee Photography. Life was PERfect. I got into my white Geo Prizm on the most beautiful crisp and sunny late afternoon. I was headed to work because it was PAY DAY! After saying hello to my co-workers I got my check and headed back home... It was friday night and I had plans to watch a movie with my best friends Joel, Jess and Tanner. I was ALMOst home and one of my favorite songs came on, aHH I had to do a loop around the block, the windows were down, the music was up and I was feelin good. I was on badger and benson, there was a car coming in the opposite direction so I put my foot on the break until I was at a stop and turned on my left blinker. I wasn't in a hurry. The car passed and I looked in my mirrors and began to put my foot on the gas pedal as I was in the clear to turn left. I see a stroke of blue out of my left eye, then yellow. Suddenly there is no sound. The world was happening in slow motion. Seconds pass that feel like hours. I did EVERYthing right. There was no car coming at me. WHAT is going on?? All of a sudden I hear again. A yellow mustang slams into a telephone pole and breaks it in half, I am somehow parked on the side of the nice couples home that let us pick their apples across from the veterinary hospital. The sound of my heart POUNDing is all I can hear. All I can think to do is get out of my car, run to the mustang, see how many people were in there, how many people were ok after the car crushed in half, and what I could do to get them out. I didn't even know. I didn't even know what happened to me. I didn't know until after checking on them that my car was completely altered, totally smashed and totaled. I didn't know that my head hit the window when a teenager thought he could tempt life as he illegally passed me on the left as i was turning left at 70+miles an hour, as I was at less than 15, crashed into me. They call it "T" bone. He "T" boned my car. I couldn't think. I couldn't cry. I didn't think to call my parents in the 2 hours I was at the site nor did anyone suggest it. I didn't think i needed to go to the hospital even though the firemen should have made me. Instead I was hit on by the guy who smashed me, who asked "so what are YOU doing tonight?", and to make matters worse I was expected by the cop and the firemen to drive my totaled car home. This is when the true horror started. Getting hit at 70+ miles an hour having my head smash on the window, that is trauma, something I blocked into a certain section of my brain trying to protect myself from it. By the time I had to drive my car home, I was wide awake. The entire ride home my eyes could not have been any bigger, my shoulders could not have been any higher, my legs could not have been any more sturdy than they were to try and keep the car from veering left into the opposite lane into oncoming traffic. The alignment was off completely, so yes the whole time I was trying to turn the car right, as it wanted to go left, as I was going straight. By the time I rolled in the driveway, my mom came out on the porch and i ran into her arms and just BAULED. The first time I cried in that entire situation was when they made me drive that car home. Mom and Dad held me, they let me cry and cry. All I wanted to do was go to my friends house for a movie. All I wanted to do was what I was going to do, be normal, enjoy time with my friends after a horrible experience, pretend like it never happened. Of course I had to explain it to them when my mom dropped me off, I was late. They were there for me and we tried to have a normal evening. When the hang time was over I was still shaken up and well, scared. My brother Caleb said there was a movie night at the Nonhoff's, that we could go over there before coming home. So my sweet protective brother took me to my REAL BFF Malorie's home for a movie night. Being with the people I love and avoiding the pampering and the reality of the situation is what I wanted. Little did I know that would be the LAST day in 4 years that I would be able to AVOID the reality of that situation. The beginning of that next week I saw the doctor.  It started with a concussion. Then the MRI's. The Neurologists. Being told I have to quit the Soccer team because another hit to the head could put me in a coma. Then pain in my trapezius muscles. Then Physical Therapy and Massage Therapy. Then I had to quit Tennis due to my achey muscles and I had so many doctor appointments I could never make the practices. Then came Depression due to all the life changes following the accident. Then there was a forced Counselor. Then there was flunking out in Spanish 3, and Chemistry. Then came neuropsychology testing. Then I was told I had short term memory loss, and if it didn't get better in three years It never will. Then there was speech therapy. All of a sudden Vertigo. Then Physical Therapy for my balance. I can't walk in a straight line you know. Then there was my GPA dropping to just over three in less than 2 years when i kept it at almost 4. my whole life. Then I had special treatment from my teachers that no one knew about. I tested on subjects right after we learned them rather than several subjects after weeks of study. I lost my best friend. She just didn't want to be my friend anymore. I was taking ALL My anger out mainly at my mom and creating hurtful lasting memories of pain. My Physical therapist told me they could no longer help me. After three years the neuropsycologist told me I my brain had not healed. My counselor wouldn't answer my calls when I was finally needing and wanting to open up. I no longer felt like I could go to the college I got into "Brooks Institute of Photography" the best photography school in the world, one of the hardest schools to get into. I flunked two courses and dropped my grades in others how could I possibly do well at Brooks? I never slept, well anyway. I was on sleeping pills, depression pills, pain pills all as a teenager. 80year olds would tell me how they were struggling with forgetting things and I genuinely knew how they felt. My friends said I asked them the same questions over and over. I didn't care about life. I didn't care. I had suicidal thoughts. I didn't think Jesus cared. I was MAD at Him for what he allowed to happen to me. I got anxiety attacks, where I literally couldn't breath. I have flashbacks, in cars. I went through a 4 year court case having to sue my own damn insurance company because they knew in the beginning how much medical care I would need and didn't want to have to pay. When kids my age were at games and home doing homework, or doing an after school activity - I was dealing with depositions and details and vulture lawyers. Ever since dipshit doctor DICKson told the lawyer that he thought I had depression before the accident, they tried to take my journals from me. I was worrying that they would get a hold of my 6ish personal journals. I refused to give them up. My dad dropped them off at a friends house wrapped in bags and he buried them in his back yard. These aren't things High Schoolers should worry about. The suit ended over a cyber settle in 2007 since I wouldn't give up my journals. Chris was my boyfriend then. We had a bon fire and burned all the files. Except the letters. The letters I was never supposed to see. The ones all my loved ones sent the lawyers about how I was before and after the accident. Saddest truth of all.

8 years ago and you would think I would have just LETITGO by now. Except for some reason all day toady I was having my usual flashback. I was mad. I was mad at the guy who ruined me. I was mad at the cop and the fireman matt harvey for making me drive that car home. I was mad at that lawyer for trying to take personal journals from a teenager. I was just soo mad (understatement.) I am better in some ways. Some of my spanish has come back to me with the help of a friend and that my friend is brain growth. My ability to maintain cleanliness and order is also better. I am sad to report most of the other things are just and will be there for the long haul. I have new friends that have loved me through hardships. I don't hate God but rather praise him for all, good and bad. He is my friend again. My mother and I have been patching our relationship over the years - there are setbacks but we are in such a better place. There are things that force me to remember. I hurt. All the time. My neck, my shoulders, my back. My head - It just feels so blank sometimes, I struggle with my speech often, as well as my memory. I still can't walk in a straight line, nor have I completely gotten rid of my vertigo. All this makes my sleep soo on and off. Right now, it's 2:06 and I'm wide awake. That day. That FUCKED up day. It gave me a lack of confidence, it took away my courage, my strength, my determination, my ability to push through trials. It took away my college. My chance to succeed at my God Given Gift. Yes, I have an eye and a passion but I need to learn too. I want to learn. That chance that I had, in that time that I was so lost and confused, I gave up my chance to have confidence in what I do. Now, I'm in a place that all I NEED is that degree. I am almost 25. I am working at a place that I love yes, but it's folding clothes. I WANT to be capturing memories. I WANT to be WANTED, or NEEDED, or Liked or loved or talked about as if I am important. I also WANT to be a mom. If I went to school now, we would add more debt, and have to delay having children another 2-3 years. If I had a baby now we would have no car, debt and basically we would be screwed. If I get another job I still will not be getting a degree, nor will I be having a child. I am almost 25 years old and I have a husband that loves me and two cats that are amazing but all my friends and family are away, and my husband works 40hrs. I am alone a lot. I don't even have money to fly home and visit, and even doing that will delay having children or getting a second car or a degree. You see why October 25, 2003 totally SCREwed me over? AHhh. So this stupid day is coming up. It's put me in a funk, yes. It's gotten the better of me, yes. I am allowed to call it a FUCKEd up day. I am allowed to just hate on that day, but man am I not going to let it get the better of me. Tomorrow I am going to look into all schools near and far. I am going to ask about financial aid. I am going to get a second job, one that promises 20+hours. I am going to REALLY get my KBP brochures out there. I am going to help get rid of debt, and try to see about getting a degree OR an internship from a PP of SDC, whichever council prescribes. I am going to have a baby after we get a car and are more secure. This shit is happening people. God is by my side, (he understands me swearing about this day, he hurts when I hurt) I am going to work my butt off until I am happy and confident once again. 8 years is too long. I want that part of me lost back again. So badly. I will NOT give up on MY dreams.

(My heart was racing the whole time I wrote this down. It's the first time I've revisited the exact memories in a long time, It was very hard to write, a very dark place in my life - but I am happy to get it out, see we don't have the funds for therapy right now, and this works just fine - it just took me a few weeks to sort out my thoughts)....I had a total breakdown this eve, Chris was there for me, he listened and gave some helpful advice, I am so grateful for him. I don't know If I've ever even shared with him the extent of how the accident affects me. I try to keep it in but obviously that isn't working.  Now that I shared it with him I hear how silly it is that I am the only one keeping myself from accomplishing these things...and the fact that we moved from an island and are just dirt poor...) Pray for me. If you like. Pray for us. Life isn't easy right now. Money is the biggest factor. Then it's that I am not doing anything I want or love to do and Chris is not exactly ecstatic either about his job. Pray that the right job opportunity comes to me as I will be hunting for a second job. Also for my heart. That I will let this go. Thanks ya'll for whoever decided to read this depressing novel, but hey. It's my life. I had to let this out. Mostly motivation for myself. I have been crying, pity-partying all day and it's noting but my fault and lack of communication. I am that fun, spunky, drama free, energetic, happy, independent woman who is married to a strong confident independent man. I am done loosing myself, I can't wait to come back. PS...sorry there ARE typos. but I'm not going to take the time to fix them :)