the hard stuff in life.

I haven't been on my blogging "game" as of late. Living in a new place has something to do with it - not knowing anyone or being home 5 days of the week without Chris, or maybe it's because I'm avoiding whats really going on in my life. Most of you know me as an open book. I try to be exactly who I am both in cyber space and real life. Since I was 16 & 1/2 I started to stuff any hard situations in my life in one little section of my heart. Eventually I would loose control of the growing pain and an explosion of emotion would occur, normally towards someone I love in fits of rage and anger and confusion. I eventually got counseling which helped to a point. Realizing that God is the only one that could really help me get over my past hurt and grievances was what got me to open up, let it all out and give it up to Him. Due to habit I continue to stuff the bad and try to ignore it all around. It's when I really fall apart that I turn to God once again to help me get over this huge mound of unresolved nastiness and give it up to Him. Husbands can only hear so much ya know?, and as much as I have dear long-distance friends that would take my call any time it's not always easy for me to really just talk about it. So this is where my blog comes in. For reasons just like this is why I started blogging while living in Maui. (Gives Chris a break too :) ). Ugh now where do I start. First thank you for praying for the person I asked for prayer the other day if you did. That person was my brother. Brother, Caleb. He did not get the good news he was hoping for although my family and i might see it differently as he will eventually too. His wife Ava, very very soon to be ex-wife, cheated on him. I could go on and on about the things that she did to hurt him, the awful things she said etc but there is no point to that. She has decided she no-longer believes in God. She is a confused and hurting person, who needs help and saving. I have known her longer than Caleb and I know she is aware of what she did and that is was wrong even though there is no remorse. Didn't God say as He was on the cross that the men torturing Him know not what they do? They didn't have the Lord, so they couldn't understand how wrong they were being and Jesus asked God to forgive them(Luke 23:46). Caleb has extended an undeserved amount of forgiveness to Ava. Caleb has tried to make it work when most of us would throw her to the curb. Caleb has Jesus in his heart in a way I have NEVER seen in Him before. Frankly I didn't think he believed in God anymore. Caleb knows how Ava has lots of unresolved issues and needs help, and even though she hurt him BEYOND belief he loves her so much that he was willing to work through it. For the worse, as in their marriage vows. He tried to extend that hand, he did everything he could. She kept hurting and recently it became too much. He still gave her the decision to make but he gave her a timeline. She asked for a divorce. This has been an sharp pain in our families hearts. To see Caleb go through this pain. To see someone we know and loved stray so far from Christ or even from what is good....and to hurt someone we love beyond belief soo much. We have been so confused watching Caleb react in such a gracious and loving and forgiving manor, when we just want to swear and say horrible things and get her out of our lives. By observation Caleb has been teaching me of how I should react as well. Like Christ. I have had my beyond angry stage. I have had my hurt stage. I have had my grieving stage for Caleb, and recently I have been sooo agonizingly sad about MY loss of a sister and an old friend. The loss of the person she WAS and the person I had hoped to become close to once again. Ava and I were best friends in High School, before Caleb and her were even an idea. Ava got me to come back to Jesus. She invited me to young life and to christ the king church. We had bible studies together. We were best friends. We haven't been that tight for a while but we weren't on bad terms, just hadn't communicated. I was so excited about getting close with her once again, i had my hopes. I have wanted a sister my whole life. I have three amazing brothers but they still weren't a sister. The other day I needed fashion help and i just lost it. Thinking that I couldn't call her and get help from my sister. I was talking with some girls that work at Anthropologie with me and one mentioned they went to FIDM. Immediately without thought I said "My sister-in-law went there! (with pride), and it was easier for me to just pretend this crappy thing isn't happening than to correct myself and say almost ex-sister-in-law. Ya know there are people who sign cards with just their names? Then there are people who write personal messages making the original card words the least important words on there? People who write on the left, the right and the back of the card with encouraging, loving words and memories or verses? I had a million cards from her. I kept every one. She always had a way with words and pouring love on me. I thought I threw them all away (anger stage) as we were packing the truck in WA but as we were unpacking in San Diego I kept finding them stuffed in random places. I kept throwing them away. As I was unpacking there were so many things that tied her to the item. Something she made with me, something she made for me, things we did together, photos of our times etc. All thrown away. Some specific things I kept just because I couldn't quite let it go, but very little. She has hurt me. She hurt Caleb beyond measure. She has hurt our family. Mom and i were thinking that maybe Gods purpose for Caleb and Ava was for Caleb to come closer to Jesus and to help her through her problems and set her on the right path. We will never know why this has happened. I know that good is coming to Caleb. He has handled this honoring Gods name and I know he will be blessed for it. I also genuinely pray that Ava seeks or receives help from any source and that she can find her lost love for Jesus once again and start doing what is right. I know who she can be. That was the person Caleb fell for. I will miss her. I have forgiven her. I do wish her well, and I am SO happy that Caleb is out from under this mess and onto bigger and better things. He deserves someone to LOVE him the way he loves them. He deserves someone to respect him for whatever job he has and wherever he is in life. He deserves a family. He deserves faithfulness. He deserves the best. I can't wait to meet that person God has for him. I feel like we are close once again through this yuck and look forward to our blossoming relationship. He is one of the most loving, tender hearts I know and I look forward to seeing it whole again. I love you bubba and I KNOW that the Lord has amazing things in store for you. WHEW, that was deep huh? hah. Well, this is the jumble of life that I have been holding inside me. Thanks for listening to my heart. Thank you to the people who have helped me through this as i've had to keep it secret since December. (Kristine, Ileta, Stacy and Sofia) Your encouragement and listening ears and hugs have meant the world to me and your prayers meant the world to Caleb. I know this is NOT the end for Caleb, but just the beginning :)